2 Essential Ingredient​s for a Better Marriage

Have you ever experienced the marital crazy cycle?

Just the other day as we were driving home from church—yes church—my wife made a comment that sounded like criticism to me. I responded by asking her not to criticize. She quickly said it wasn’t criticism, just an observation. I shot back that it sounded like criticism to me. 

She looked at me and said those oh-so common words “JUST LISTEN!” I try to come up with something clever but get interrupted by our 8-year-old in the back seat, “can you guys stop fighting?” 

Ugh. The crazy cycle.

We are a couple who truly loves each other and have been married for twenty years. But sometimes it only takes a few minutes to feel like we are on opposite sides, frustrated, confused and hurt—thinking this is crazy.

Craziness seems to be common in marriage because couples keep doing and saying the same things again and again that hurt each other. 

It’s like we are from different planets or talking some kind of code. What he/she said is not what he/she heard, and what he/she thinks he/she heard is not what he/she meant at all. Sound familiar?

I think all marriages deal with the crazy cycle at some level because men and women are so different. We can look at the same situation and interpret it much differently. 

That’s hardly news, but how quickly we forget and revert to focusing on our own needs and overlook the needs of our spouse. 

Husbands and wives keep spinning on the crazy cycle because they don’t understand what seems to be the issue isn’t the issue at all. The real issues are always love and respect. Everything else is just filling in the details.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

What I’ve come to learn is there are 2 essential ingredients for a better marriage.

Unconditional Love 

Unconditional love is more than a feeling, it’s an action or a choice. It has nothing to do with whether or not the other person deserves it. It’s unrestricted, unqualified, and unlimited affection. 

This is my wife’s heart desire and deepest need. No matter what my wife may appear to be doing or saying, her real motive is to connect in love. If I can realize this and move toward her in affection, the crazy cycle gets broken.

There are many ways to move toward our wives (openness, closeness, loyalty) but a key one for us is what Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs calls “peacemaking”. In other words, she wants me to say “I’m sorry”. 

Healthy marriages are not about being perfect. Ruptures happen in relationships. The key is to repair the ruptures. Sometimes this feels impossible because when I say “I’m sorry” it feels like I will lose respect. But if I’m willing to take the hits (even when it’s not my fault) and offer a genuine heart-felt apology, I find it melts my wife’s heart and puts her at peace. And most of the time she meets me half-way with her own apology.

Peacemaking can be difficult, but I’ve found it’s always worth it.

Unconditional Respect

Unconditional respect is more than a feeling, it’s an action or a choice. It has nothing to do with whether or not the other person deserves it. It’s unrestricted, unqualified, and unlimited honor.

This is my heart’s desire and deepest need. Yet for years in my marriage I didn’t know. In fact, I’ve discovered it’s often the missing ingredient in marriages because it seems like an oxymoron. Isn’t respect supposed to be earned? 

But think about it, if the husband is supposed to love unconditionally and earn his wife’s respect, is that really possible? No wonder so many guys are shut down.

Check out the balance of unconditional love and respect in Ephesians 5:33. .

Let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly].

Ephesians 5:33 AMP

My wife and I never saw this balance of truth until we read Dr. Eggerichs book “Love & Respect”. To fully love a wife, it requires unconditional love. To fully love a husband, it requires unconditional respect. It’s not either-or… it’s both.

There are several ways to show respect, but a key one is learning to appreciate a man’s desire to work and achieve. If a wife can begin to understand how important a man’s work is to him, it’s a giant step toward communicating respect. 

A man wants a woman who believes in him. Men do what they do for the admiration of a woman! So go ahead wives, ask your husband about what they do and why they do it. 

I know that men are often consumed by their work and it seems like it takes us away from the family, but that’s another topic altogether. I think a couple who genuinely want to work on their marriage and are tender hearted toward each other, can talk through the “workaholic” stuff.

The point is that if you disrespect a man’s work, he feels it deeply. “Never let him feel unappreciated and that he’s just a meal ticket.” -Dr. Eggerichs

A Better Marriage

I believe if a couple will focus on these two ingredients they are well on their way to a better marriage. This stuff isn’t always easy, but worth it. I encourage you to seek help if you need it. Also, be sure to read Love & Respect. It’s a goldmine!

The health of your family depends on the health of your marriage. Remember it’s not about being perfect, but growth. Small steps together make a huge difference in a year.

Prayer: Father, thank you for the grace to love and respect as you do. We ask for courage and patience to begin talking about this stuff with our spouse. We thank you for the peace that surpasses all understanding. In Jesus name, amen.

Questions: Have you experienced the marital crazy cycle? Do you see the importance of unconditional love and respect? What are ways you can begin to show love and respect?

Resource: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs