Are you aware of the story shame is trying to tell?
I wasn’t until recently. Kurt Thompson’s book “The Soul of Shame – Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves” is enlightening. I continue to work through the information and I’m seeing positive results in my life.
Shame is something we all experience at some level. From the slight embarrassment of saying the wrong thing to the deep humiliation of public exposure. However I’m learning shame is embedded deeper than I think and is always trying to tell me a story opposite of God’s.
Shame is more than the words or thought “I am bad”. It’s a continuous story of “I’m not enough”. I’m not enough for my kids, my spouse, my friends—I’m not enough for God. In fact, I don’t have what it takes to tolerate this moment and I’m powerless to do anything about it.
To top it off, shame is telling us we are alone in our struggle. Utterly alone and no one is coming to our aid.
“This terror of being alone drives our shame-based behavior and ironically takes us to the very place we most fear going—the hell of absolute isolation.”
Kurt Thompson
I don’t remember battling these kinds of thoughts until I became a parent. Or maybe I am more aware these days. But the fact is I deal with intense shame about my parenting.
I admit this because I don’t think I’m alone in my struggle. In fact, what if the enemy is actively and subtly using shame to break down all connection in our relationships? Especially our families?
We have to become
So here are 3 lessons I’m learning about shame and parenting. I hope they help you as much as they are helping me.
I’ll Never Be Able to Stop Shaming My Kids Until I Deal With My Own Shame.
Any good parent doesn’t want to shame their kids. However, I don’t think this is possible until we deal with our own shame. So much of parenting is dealing with our own junk so we don’t barf it on our kids. When we are healthy (inside and out) the result is great parenting and healthy kids. This doesn’t mean we (or our kids) never make mistakes. The key is that we don’t become those mistakes. Healthy attachment and connection are more about repairing the ruptures than being perfect. Shame will do everything it can to disintegrate but my job as a parent is to integrate. That means I’ve got to deal with my own shame story. Good news is there is grace available to do just that.
Shame Would Like to Distract Me.
We become what we pay attention to. In fact, according to Romans 8:5-6, our attention is connected to either life or death—connection or disintegration. Shame would like us to be unaware of what we’re paying attention to because attention sparks emotion. Shame begins in the world of emotions but slowly infiltrates our thinking and finally our behavior. Often we are unaware shame drives our behavior. Reversing shame begins by getting our attention back on track. That’s why the Bible talks so much about setting our minds above or fixing our eyes on Jesus. To have our minds set on something is about paying attention. What we pay attention to is what we become. The best story to focus on is the one coming from God and who we’re created to be.
I Need to be Intentional About Exposing Shame in My Life and Help My Kids Do the Same.
I’ll be honest, this is so difficult for me. Shame is not something we fix in the privacy of our thoughts. We fight it with vulnerability and conversation. Exposure and vulnerability are what bring healing. But this feels impossible, especially when we are in the middle of a shame storm. It feels like the only option is to run away and isolate. But it’s in our openness and turning toward one another that destroys shame and allows Jesus in the middle.
The same is true for our kids. Home environments that value openness, vulnerability, and learning are the key. We need to become experts at asking our kids great questions and never be shocked by the answers. Also remember we are on the same team with our kids, facing issues together not separate. It’s in these moments toward one another we come to know life and freedom. And shame gets kicked out the back door
Prayer: Father give me the grace and courage to dig into my story and reveal my shame so that I can become a better parent. Thank you that my identity is firmly established in You and I have nothing to fear. In Jesus Name Amen.
Questions: How have you seen shame show up in your parenting? Do these lessons ring true for you? Any other lessons you have learned about shame and parenting?
Resource: The Soul of Shame – Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves by Kurt Thompson
So good!!