Have you ever tried to teach your kiddos when they’re upset? Doesn’t work. Yet we keep trying don’t we?!?
I have so many times and always end up frustrated. I’ll say things like “Why don’t you get this??” “How many times have I told you?? And other unhelpful phrases.
Sometimes in the middle of my lectures, I’ll think to myself “this isn’t working— please stop.” But guess what? I’m often stuck in my downstairs brain too.
Kids and adults are unable to learn when we are stuck in our downstairs brain.
The downstairs brain is a concept Daniel Siegel introduces in his book “The Whole Brained Child.” It’s a must-read for all parents.
The downstairs brain is with us when we are born and never leaves us. It’s the very primitive part of our brain that keeps us breathing, heart beating, and other basic functions of our body. It also contains our survival functions (flight, fight, or freeze) and holds our earliest types of memories (sensory).
In early February I had the opportunity to attend the RE: Conference in Kansas City. It’s an amazing conference design to help and encourage parents of adoptive and foster kids.
One of the speakers was Paris Goodyear-Brown who founded the Nurture House in Franklin TN. She said something that resonated with me.
Our kid’s brain is asking three questions in this order.
- Am I safe? (brain stem)
- Am I loved? (limbic system)
- What can I learn? (prefrontal cortex)
In other words, our kids cannot learn until they feel safe and feel loved.
If we want to teach our kids we must FIRST help them feel safe and loved. This can happen in several different ways. Here are a few examples.
- Give them a snack or water: Kids are often stuck in their downstairs brain when they are hungry or thirsty.
- Get on their level: Kneel down and make eye contact. Eye to eye contact releases all kinds of
good parent to child connection. - Draw them close: It’s difficult to stay frustrated,
angry, and stressed when we get close. - Speak to their downstairs brain: “You’re safe and I love you.”
- Name it to tame it: Telling stories can calm big emotions. When our kiddos experience big emotions, simply helping them tell the story can calm those emotions.
Once they feel safe and feel loved, then they can learn.
Guess what? It’s the same for us as parents. It’s fascinating to me that Jesus invites us to do the same.
The Invitation of Jesus
Matt. 11:28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me.
“Come to me” is both an interruption and an invitation. Jesus is interrupting whatever we might be doing (our stress, our shame, our fear) and invites us to come close.
Come close and feel safe. Come close and be loved.
Better Parenting Starts With the Parent
When we learn to do this with Jesus, we can better help our kids. When we are willing to get close, feel safe, and be loved by the Father, we can learn how to partner with Jesus.
We are the representation of Jesus to our kids. No way around it. How we show love and create felt safety is how our kids will relate to Jesus. I want my kids to know the real Jesus.
Sure my brokenness will get in the way sometimes and so will yours, but “making up matters more than messing up.” (Suzanne Zeedyk)
When we continually come back to Jesus for all that we need, it becomes real for our kids.
So I encourage you to slow down and get away with Jesus. He will give you the grace and strength to nurture your
Prayer: Jesus, we set our attention back on you today. Thank you for the grace to come close and feel loved and safe. Thank you for the grace to help us nurture our kid’s brains. Amen.
Resource: Whole Brian Child by Dan Siegel