Why a Fixed Mindset is Ruining Your Day (Maybe Your Life)

How do you view yourself?

Is this a trick question? With a mirror of course. Well, sometimes I use my phone’s selfie camera. Sometimes I use both the mirror and my phone to see the back of my head. Ever do that? Works in a pinch when you don’t have two mirrors. You’re welcome.

Let me explain.

During planting season I listened to an audiobook called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck. It’s easily become one of my favorite books in the past few years. It’s challenging my beliefs. It’s causing me to think about growth in new ways.

So back to my question… How do you see yourself?

Do you believe your qualities, things like intelligence, personality, and character, are fixed and unchangeable? It’s just the hand you have been dealt in life. Or do you believe you can grow, change, and develop? In other words, the hand you have been dealt is just the starting point for development.

Pause. Think. Reflect. What an important question. 

For me, I would say it depends. There seem to be areas of my life I view as fixed and other areas I believe I can develop. 

For example I view my guitar abilities as fixed. I’m as good as I’m going to get. Adding more time and effort will produce little results. I just have to accept that I’m an average guitar player.

But writing is something I see as a growth opportunity. I’ve just started and have a long way to go. I’ll make mistakes, but I can continue to learn and get better. Same is true for farming, coffee roasting, or any new thing I’m trying. 

But here’s what’s eye opening for me. 

Anything I’ve been working at for some time (marriage, parenting, ministry, personal development) I view as primary fixed and unchangeable. It is what it is. More effort will produce little results. Unless God intervenes with a miracle or the rapture, I have to accept reality. 

I’m discovering this mindset is ruining my day. Maybe my life. And it’s ruining yours too.

Fixed Mindset

Carol Dweck calls it the fixed mindset. Based on her research, here’s what she says.

Believing that your qualities are carved in stone—the fixed mindset creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over.

I’ve seen so many people with this one consuming goal of proving themselves—in the classroom, in their careers, and in their relationships. Every situation calls for a confirmation of their intelligence, personality, or character. Every situation is evaluated: Will I succeed or fail? Will I look smart or dumb? Will I be accepted or rejected? Will I feel like a winner or a loser?

What hits home for me about the fixed mindset is that I don’t want to be found lacking. I don’t want to fail. So I have to prove myself. Both to others and to God. That’s exhausting and impossible.  

But here’s the real problem that I think we all deal with — the fear of judgment. In the fixed mindset we see people as judges rather than allies. Our parent’s advice is viewed as condemning rather than helpful. Social gatherings are no longer fun because we are nervous wreck about being judged or embarrassed.

All this anxiety, fear and judgement plays into the hands of shame. I’m convinced that at the core of a fixed mindset is shame. (Click HERE to read more on shame and how it impacts our stories)

Growth Mindset

Carol goes on to explain the growth mindset.

This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts, your strategies, and help from others…everyone can change and grow through application and experience.

The key to the growth mindset is effort and learning. The pitfall of the fixed mindset is the judgment of ourselves and others.

We are either learning and growing or NOT learning and stuck.

As I’ve reflected on the fixed and growth mindsets, and why this book so resonated with me, I’ve discovered a few biblical truths. It’s cool how a book like this which isn’t based on the bible still speaks of biblical truth. 

Disciple

Did you know the biblical word “disciple” means learner? When Jesus says to come follow Him, He’s not asking us to play follow the leader. He’s inviting us to come and learn from Him. Learn how to partner with Him.

In other words, if you call yourself a disciple of Jesus, you HAVE to be a learner. Being a disciple requires a growth mindset. The bonus is that in the process of learning from Jesus we avoid the pitfalls of fear, shame, and judegment.

So often we try to avoid stuff in our lives (pain, fear, judgment…). But a better strategy is to go all in with Jesus. When we try to avoid something we unconsciously let that thing orchestrate our lives. But when we focus on Jesus everything finds it’s place.

I love how Matt. 11:28-30 talks about the growth mindset.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.

Is the fixed religious mindset wearing you out? Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.

How do we do that? Effort! Learning requires effort. Following Jesus requires effort.

Grace is not opposed to effort, it’s opposed to earning.

Dallas Willard

Dallas Willard is a genius. Love that guy. This truth is revelation to me because I think we so often get stuck in a “try harder to do better” mentality. But is our try harder bent towards learning or earning? That’s the key for me. It’s okay to give the effort to learn.

Here’s the whole quote. Let it sink in.

The path of spiritual growth in the riches of Christ is not a passive one. Grace is not opposed to effort. It is opposed to earning. Effort is action. Earning is attitude. You have never seen people more active than those who have been set on fire by the grace of God. Paul, who perhaps understood grace better than any other mere human being, looked back at what had happened to him and said: “By the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me did not prove vain; but I labored even more than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God with me.” (I Cor. 15:10)

Dallas Willard

Here’s that verse in The Passion Translation.

But God’s amazing grace has made me who I am! And his grace to me was not fruitless. In fact, I worked harder than all the rest, yet not in my own strength but God’s, for his empowering grace is poured out upon me.

I Cor. 15:10 TPT

His empowering grace is poured out upon me. Grace is not opposed to effort, it’s opposed to earning. Effort is action. Earning is attitude.

That’s SO GOOD!

Here’s how I’m applying this truth.  Stay in the learning zone. In the church world we used to call this a teachable heart. I want to give effort to LEARN, not a performance to earn.

I want to learn from Jesus, not perform for Him. I don’t need to earn anything. He’s already provided everything redemption. What I do in response is become a learner. A disciple.

If I’m learning then I’m not trying to prove myself. So when I give effort to learn, I stay in the rhythms of grace. But when I give a performance to prove myself (or avoid failure or judgement), I know I’ve slid back into earning. 

This truth is helping me in so many ways! I now know where to apply my effort. I’m realizing that I’m not stuck but I can grow in any area of my life.

One of the primary changes I’ve made is how I talk to my kids. Rather than praising their success, I praise their effort to learn. It’s so much more grace filled and avoids the shame and judgement I think kids often feel when we only praise success or give lecures about failure.

For example, my oldest joined the swim team this summer. She is working hard and trying new things. Rather saying “good job” all the time or point out what she did wrong, I praise her hard work and effort. I keep reinforcing the idea that she can learn and grow. That’s the goal. To learn.

Changing my language with my kids is also changing how I talk to myself. I’m not stuck! But by the grace of God, I’m learning how to follow Jesus in new ways. 

Because that’s who I am — a disciple (learner) of Jesus.

Learning under grace. Grace in the midst of learning. That’s a great motto to live by.

Hope this helped! Thanks for reading.

Blessings,
Jason

Questions: What areas of your life do you have a fixed mindset? What could you begin learning so that you can grow?

Resource: Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck